Getting Real About Starting a Gratitude Practice
Let’s talk science, but also what a gratitude practice looks like for “ordinary people” with busy lives
If you are like many of my clients, your eyes glaze over when I mention cultivating a gratitude practice. The phrase "gratitude practice” is so ubiquitous in popular culture that the real power behind it is at risk of being lost. I want to explain the "why" behind the benefits of maintaining a regular gratitude practice and also share two tender stories from my own decade-long daily practice to help normalize what one looks like in real life—a life with kids, a career, responsibilities, schedules, and at times, overwhelm.
The Science
To understand the science supporting the benefits of a gratitude practice, you have to start with early human survival skills and development. Humans have many evolutionary traits that were relevant when we lived in caves and saber-tooth tigers roamed the earth. As it turns out, these traits are not as helpful when living in city apartments with food delivery and fewer threats to survival. One of these traits is the negativity bias, which came in handy for our hunter-gatherer ancestors whose need to focus on potential threats (predators, food scarcity, toxic plants, etc.) was crucial for survival. This hypersensitivity to negative events helped our ancestors quickly identify and respond to dangers. It was a matter of life and death to remember where potentially lethal threats were, and there were so many threats that early humans became very good at remembering negative experiences. The trouble is, we still have this hardwired negativity bias even though safety and survival in the modern world are not as challenging as they once were.
An example of this might be getting lost on the way to a concert and being 45 minutes late, though it was one of the best concerts of your life. What might you report to a friend about the experience? "Well, we took a wrong turn off the highway, and no one person at the gas station was the least bit helpful, and when we finally arrived, the lower parking lot was full, so…" The memory of your struggle to get there might overshadow the fantastic music and the magical venue. The long-term evolutionary consequence of the negativity bias is that our brains are trained to find and remember the negative, so we must work extra hard to intentionally notice the positive.
Counteracting our brain's strong and historical tendency towards negativity is one of the most compelling reasons to cultivate a regular gratitude practice. And that is exactly what this form of mindfulness does. It helps program our brains to be on the lookout for the positive, and over time, we begin focusing more attention on joy, beauty, connection, and simple daily pleasures. With repeated awareness of the pleasurable, our outlook slowly becomes more positively composed, eventually shifting our mindset from scarcity and threat to abundance and possibility.
Humbling Stories of My Real-Life Gratitude Practice
Just over a decade ago, I started a daily gratitude practice on a whim and have kept it going ever since. Trust me, no one is more surprised at my ability to keep this going than I am! It is worth noting that I started this practice when my children were young: four-year-old twins and an eight-year-old daughter. I want to debunk the idea that mindfulness practices are only for those without small children, careers, or a lot of responsibilities. I believe a daily mindfulness practice is accessible to anyone at any stage of life.
In all the years of my morning mindfulness ritual, there had never been a morning—truly never—that I had not been able to identify something to be thankful for until a few weeks ago. I had always noticed and had some small appreciation each day for: a sunlit afternoon of writing, a phone call from a faraway friend, the sound of chorus frogs thrumming on my favorite trail, a lively family dinner conversation, a tender but ordinary moment with one of my kids, a snuggle with my dog, or my husband holding my hand while we watched a movie. My attention to detail, large and small, has grown exponentially over the past decade through my mindfulness practices, and I have always been able to find daily moments of thankfulness.
This fall was a time of grief, stress, and, most importantly, distraction. Distraction, in particular, is the great disconnector, and my attention to the abundance of life had faltered. I distinctly remember sitting in my morning meditation seat, feeling panic and desolation as I realized I couldn't find something to express gratitude for. I felt empty and sad, and like a stubborn two year old it seemed that nothing could change my sorrow. My mind began swirling down a rabbit hole of negative thoughts, but then I caught myself and whispered gently, "There must be something, one small thing, that brought a crack of light into your day during this dark time." Then, allowing myself a moment or two of stillness to gather my thoughts, it came to me like a gob-smack. Of course! The pumpkin soup lunch with my kids earlier in the week.
I could leave you here with this information, pumpkin soup lunch with my kids, but I want you to experience the moment to understand why this lunch came to me with such a, "Duh! How could I not remember something so significant?" Well, when we are distracted and not paying attention in our daily lives, we miss all kinds of moments like these—simple and ordinary yet grounding—and, in the end, the essence of what it means to live fully.
Let me explain the lunch.
It wasn't about the cooking of the lunch itself—a ridiculously fussy and laborious soup served in adorable bowls made out of small, hollowed-out pumpkins. My gratitude was for the deeply centering connection with my kids—particularly during a season of grief. My gratitude was also for my ability to choose a slow Saturday afternoon, setting aside the never-ending laundry list of chores that could have been done instead. We floated in time with no hurry, no sense of anywhere else to be. My heart had all that it needed—meaningful interactions with people I love. In a time of deep grief, I tapped into being fully present and discovered the joyful gift of this moment.
This feeling of belonging, the warmth in my chest, and the glow of love reverberating through me all came back days later during my morning gratitude ritual. The experience of searching for and arriving at an almost lost moment of thankfulness taught me an invaluable lesson: even in the darkest of times, there are rays of light if only we are open to noticing them.
Now, a silly story as an example of how imperfect real-life mindfulness practices can be. I was expecting a quiet meditation when I heard the faint sound of birds chirping. I was delighted! The weather had turned, the leaves were dropping at an increasing rate and the shift away from summer into autumn was undeniable. The birds and their song usually go with the warmth, so this morning, it was a gift to take in the joyful singing outside my window. I lazily thought, "What type of bird is still hanging around? Maybe it's a migrating bird, so strange to hear this lovely sound on a chilly autumn morning…” Waking up to birdsong was my moment of gratitude, and I moved into my day with ease and a pleasant smile.
Surprisingly, I opened my bedroom door and heard not a couple of birds but a chorus! What on earth? I was totally perplexed. How could this many birds be serenading dawn at this time of year? Then I realized the harmony was coming from my daughter's room across the hall. I opened her door and instantly broke into laughter; the lovely and unexpected morning musical was coming from her new alarm clock set to "bird song"!
I suddenly felt utterly silly. I had just expressed gratitude for waking up to a delightful winged harmony but had actually offered it to an alarm clock! What now? Had I somehow wasted my gratitude practice? The perceived dilemma didn't last long, as the resolution came to me quickly. I was still grateful for having woken up to the sweet sound of chirping and tweeting. And now, I giggled to myself, I can be grateful for the bit of levity, as well.
I offer these two stories because they are real. These are ordinary examples of an average person's gratitude practice. I often feel that mindfulness practices have a mystical quality, making them seem unattainable or unrealistic to those of us running in the hamster wheel of modern life. Sure, monks and mystics have time to meditate, but not me! I am no monk or enlightened guru. I have about as ordinary a life as anyone and attest to the accessibility of daily gratitude and mindfulness routines. After sharing my insider experiences, I hope you feel more open to the possibility of practicing regular gratitude in your own life.
Heather's 3-Minute Morning Mindfulness Practice
Once awake, either sit-up in bed or move to the floor (sitting on a pillow if you like)
Close your eyes and let your hands rest on your legs or in prayer
Take 3 deep, slow rounds of breath
Name what you are grateful for this morning. Examples: a person and a specific reason why you appreciate them, a touching or pleasant moment from the day before, a recent experience in nature, a fresh and juicy garden tomato you ate, the way the sunlight came through a window, a kindness someone offered you, a poem you read, etc. HINT: this practice requires specificity and detail to have impact. When people say, “I am grateful for my family,” that is too general to chip away at the negativity bias.
Set an intention for the day. This can be a specific task like completing a project, or a certain way of being like patience, focus, grace, self-kindness, generosity, slowing down, being efficient, being present, or practicing self-care, etc. HINT: “Ways of being” are my preferred focus for daily intentions. Some examples from my life are: choosing to pay special attention to someone I love by sending them a text or setting aside time for a phone call or quality time, or cooking dinner slowly and without rushing around—even though its Wednesday night and my long-day at work!
During the past few years, I have been jotting down my morning gratitude and intention for the day in a tiny journal I keep on my nightstand. So, I guess, if you are getting technical, my morning practice takes 5 minutes :)
Please keep me posted on your mindfulness journey! I write and encourage others because if I experience sustained change from mindfulness, I know it is possible for you too. We are not so different from one another. Reach out to me via email or on Instagram where there are pictures of the adorable soup bowls out of baby pumpkins, and let me know the "birdsong and pumpkin soup" moments of your gratitude practice!
Enjoy the slow- Heather