Healthy Boundaries During the Holidays
Five Ideas (with Scripts!) for Navigating Tricky Family Situations During the Holidays
The holidays are a time of joy, tradition, anticipation, and, all too often, stress. Navigating time spent with extended family—that thing many of us long for yet also dread—can be one of the most challenging aspects of maintaining a fulfilling holiday season. Here are several cut-and-paste-ready scripts to use in advance of the holidays to facilitate proactive conversations with family members.
The goal of having the conversations early is to create space for collaborative discussions, set expectations, and make requests. Talking these topics through in advance provides an opportunity for everyone's voice to be heard and, hopefully, needs to be met. When addressing tricky topics in calmer moments ahead of the holiday rush, the conversations are less likely to escalate into conflict and hurt feelings.
You can use these scripts as they are or tailor them to your style of communication.
Political Conversations
Ideally, differing politics don't divide families or cause them to stop spending time together. The most satisfying and healthy family relationships are flexible, allowing the navigation of differences without alienation. However, political divisions in family systems are becoming more common, and my suggested strategies are to find other ways of connecting and leave the political conversations for another time. The focus of holiday gatherings is on tradition, ritual, nostalgia, and connection. If political discussions grossly disrupt the focus of the gathering, I suggest making politics off-limits.
Though in-the-moment strategies like, "Can you tell me more about how you have come to believe that?" or "I would like permission to share my point of view" are good ones, in a political environment as divisive as this one, those strategies might not prevent heated or out-of-control conflict.
Suggestion for requesting that political conversations be off-limits this holiday. "Hi, I am excited to see you at the holidays! One thing that has been on my mind is how to handle political discussions while we are together. I'm calling to suggest that we avoid all political conversations because we have different viewpoints. We have so many other meaningful ways to spend our time together that I am requesting we leave political talk for the news reporters and focus on quality time together instead."
If you get pushback or a minimizing response to your request, go with this: "I know politics is important to both of us. I also feel that our relationship is more important to me than anything else. I want to preserve our relationship more than I want to argue my point of view or have you argue yours."
A backup plan if things go south during a holiday dinner. If once you are gathered the conversation slides into a heated political debate, you have several options (that will require some emotional regulation and level-headedness on your part). State that you would like to change the subject as this is becoming heated and taking away from the focus of the gathering. Or you can excuse yourself by sharing, "I am choosing not to engage in political conversations this holiday," or matter-of-factly announce you will be taking a walk or heading to your room during the conversation or until things cool down.
2. Screen Time with Kids/Cousins
Generally, the family member asking for a screen time conversation is interested in less screen time for kids or more controls on when kids can be on devices. Compromise is going to be essential as families have differing rules and relationships with screens. Flexibility during the holidays is guaranteed to make for a more enjoyable time, so considering allowing slightly more screen time than you do at home may lead to more harmony.
"Hi, I am excited to see you at the holidays! One thing that has been on my mind is how to handle screen time for the kids while we are together. I'm calling to talk it through with you and come up with some ground rules and limits we both agree on around screens for the kids. It seems that talking about it now and agreeing to something is less stressful than trying to figure this out in the moment and it will reduce our conflict."
Stay away from judgmental language. Steering FAR away from comments that can be perceived as judgy is more likely to facilitate the collaboration you are hoping for. Judgy comments might include, "There are big differences in what we allow for our kids when it comes to screens than what you allow," or “I have different values when it comes to my kid’s screen time," or "The holiday last year was a mess because your kids were on screens all the time."
Proactively set the tone for your kids. Help your children know what to expect by using more nonjudgmental language about your siblings and how they are raising their children. For example, you could say, "Our rules for screens are going to be __________. Your cousins may have different rules, which I imagine is hard or frustrating. I may ask you to get off screens even when they are allowed to stay on."
3. Gift Giving
Gift-giving is undoubtedly one of the high-stress elements of the holidays. Colliding into a ball of tension are the cost, the mental load of finding “the perfect gift,” and the time spent shopping. Buying any old discount-rack gift, muttering, “This will work,” to yourself as you check someone’s name off your list begs the question of whether you should buy them a gift at all. Asking yourself if your chosen gift is intentional, personal, and memorable helps create more meaningful gift-giving. As for negotiating gift-giving with family, here are a few suggestions.
"Hi, I am excited about the holidays! As I start to plan, I want to talk with you about gift-giving this year and what feels important to me. Then state your request, such as, "I would like to keep gifts to under $35," or "We would like to do a book exchange for adults and one toy each for kids," or "I would like to draw names and set a $50-dollar budget for gifts."
Then, share why this is important to you, "This will feel fun to me and also less financially stressful," or "This feels in line with our budget, which takes some of the stress out for us," or "This feels celebratory and also more manageable."
4. Length of Visitor Stay When You are Hosting
You know the saying about guests and fish; they both begin to stink after three days. With full lives and packed daily routines, spending most of the holiday on the road or with a house full of guests can become exhausting and diminishing of holiday joy. A balance of rest and calm with bustle and gathering is the right mix for many of us. Here are some suggestions for setting boundaries around hosting and traveling.
"Hi, I am excited about the holidays! As I start to plan, I want to talk with you about our time together. We/I love hosting so much and appreciate that you travel to see us. At the same time, we/I have learned it is important to balance hosting with some downtime. This year in an effort to find that balance, we/I want to host again and have you stay (offer specific dates) or (suggest something like 4 days and 3 nights).
If you get pushback from your traveling relatives along the lines of, "We would like to stay longer since we are traveling so far," your response should include empathy while holding your stance, "This feels tricky because I can see how you want to stay longer when you are the one traveling, and I also know that we need to keep visits to ____ days so we have down time before the holiday is over and don't go back to work/school/regular routines feeling depleted."
5. Length of Stay When You are Traveling
"Hi, I am so excited about the holidays! As I plan, I want to talk with you about our time together. I appreciate that you are hosting, and I am happy to do the traveling. At the same time, I have learned it is important to balance out my travel time with some downtime at home during the holidays. This year, I am looking forward to visiting with you and would like to come (offer specific dates) or (suggest something like 4 days and 3 nights.) If your Mom/Dad/Brother/Sister/In-law responds, "But that feels too short; we barely get to see you and the kids, can't you stay a little longer?" Your response can be empathic but direct, "I know, time always flies by and it makes sense that you crave longer visits! I hear that it doesn't feel long enough, yet I know this is the sweet spot for us."
You’ve got this! Heather