A Story of Learning to Slow Down
(As Told to Me by a 60-Year-Old Man in Transition)
As a therapist, I am trained to work with people from all walks of life and provide a space where they can learn, grow, solve problems, and develop new ways of living their lives. However, one of the best-kept secrets in this field is that as the therapist in the room, I am growing, too, from what I learn from each client. The perspective, insights, and wisdom clients share constantly inspire me. So when 60-year-old George* walked into my office, in partnership for over 30 years with his adoring husband Tom, and a career he has loved, and began to talk in his thoughtful and elegant way of speaking (George's vocabulary far outstripped my own!), I knew I was going to learn a lot.
George was struggling with a significant life transition that he hadn't seen coming. The rug had been pulled out from under him when he was phased out of his job in post-pandemic restructuring. Now he had more time on his hands than he had ever had - George, as it turns out, had been a lifelong workaholic. Now that he was not working, he was adrift. Could I help? Yes, but with which part I asked him.
He needed help "in living better." His was just the kind of enormous question clients bring to the therapy room, then wait attentively for the short answer. I started to address his question by first sharing one of my observations; he has been moving awfully fast his whole life. In his childhood and adolescence, he learned to stay just one step ahead of the crowd to remain undiscovered as gay in his small rural community and in attempting to meet his parent's unachievable expectations of him. He spent his early years constantly striving for achievement. He was going to become really good at fitting into his hetero-normative community by excelling in sports and academics. George spent his life surviving by sticking his head out, "a neck's length in front of everyone else," he told me, pushing, working, achieving, managing, creating beautiful art, and ultimately not losing.
What would he lose, I asked. The game. Credibility. Being liked. Acceptance.
In many ways, he had "won." In adulthood, he had come out as gay and lived out in his marriage, and found that his family and his community accepted him. The bigger question is, what did he lose that he had not planned on losing in this fast-paced strategy of survival? He looked at me with a stillness I knew meant we were finally at the heart of why he was in my office and said, "I lost out on noticing the beauty in the world around me, the nuance. I have missed out on the details and texture of my very own life." I let the pang of truth settle in between us. "You also lost the ability to be present with your own emotional experience," I softly reflected. A new expression came across his face. He shared with distance in his voice that he now sees that in his fast pace, in the survival skills initially learned to succeed in rural America in the 1970s as a gay teenager, he had not adapted to the new adult life he had where those survival skills weren't necessarily needed. He had missed much of the most intimate parts of his inner experience of being George. The new expression on his face was regret, sadness, and understanding.
I felt it with him. I felt the truth of this discovery. He has survived, but his strategy was one he needed to survive decades ago. Now, he was a successful adult; he didn't need the constant striving at all costs. He didn't need speed that got things done, but was also a bit reckless. But he had not changed his strategy as he emerged into adulthood. So, the very strategy that had once served him now defeated him. Sitting at home with a lot of time on his hands without his beloved work, George did not know what to do with himself. George looked at me and said, "I have been so busy and moving so fast my whole life I don't even know what I like or what I need."
When we move fast to win, avoid losing, achieve, and fit in, we often move at such speed the world gets blurred. We miss out on the richness of life. When we look back on our days, we will remember a blurry, busy, hectic life. George told me he had not cried in years. He cried that day when I told him he was worthy of slowing down. He did not have to constantly stay late or not take holidays to be worthy. He was worthy of living his life fully just because he is alive. His age, his gender, his sexuality, none of these made him less deserving of rest.
As drove home from work that day, my time with George and his willingness to talk about his struggle to slow down stayed with me, close to my heart. I remembered my gentle words to George, and then with equal gentleness, I said them to myself. I am worthy of living in the slowness. I want to slow down so I notice how I feel, what I need, what I want, and what I long for and dream of. I don't have to earn permission to live more slowly, to say no, to schedule less, and to commit only to what serves me. I give myself the permission.
Thank you, George, for sharing your story, pain, and wisdom with me.
If you see yourself as someone needing to slow down but it feels overwhelming to think about where to begin, here are two small - but mighty - steps to get started.
* Start with 10 minutes.
Dedicate 10 minutes in your day to be still.
It’s often easiest to pick Morning, Midday, or Evening to begin your daily 10-minute practice.
You can do something calming while you are still: listen to music, take in the sunshine, lay down, close your eyes.
If your mind wanders to your to-do list, say this to yourself, "No matter where my thoughts go, I can bring myself back to this moment of stillness." You may have to do this several times, which is part of the mindful practice of slowing down, reminding yourself repeatedly that you are here now, and getting your mind where your body is.
* Put Your Phone in Your Pocket — Be Bored for 10 minutes.
Try not using your phone when waiting: in line, carpool, or waiting rooms. This gives you practice at doing nothing.
With a little boredom, the mind will wander — it is incredible what you can notice about yourself, your problems, or solutions to your problems when you have time and space to slow down and let the mind meander. Boredom is slowly going extinct in our culture - its value lost in modern life.
Boredom allows us to notice the world around us, taking in the nuance and subtleties of everyday life. Likewise, slowing down offers a window into our sub-conscience and the ability to notice our thoughts, feelings, and dreams. Allowing yourself to experience boredom is a great way to practice the art of slowing down.
This Tip is for those looking for the "Advanced" Slow Down and are really craving less chaos and more harmony.
Anyone who tells you that you can "have it all" and do it all well, and not be really, really, tired, is trying to sell you something.
Modern life is filled with endless choices about how we spend our time, but that doesn't mean we aught say yes to all of it. Simplifying to create space for slowness generally means giving something up.
There is no more time available in a day, but there are lots of ways to free up time.
Ask yourself this challenging question:
What are you willing to give up to create more space, slowness, and stillness in your life?
Kids in more than one extracurricular activity
Kids in activities that require travel, or more than 2-3 days a week commitment
Complex meals on weeknights
Complex bedtime routines with your kids (TIP: simplify to bath, book, bed)
Saying yes to more social/work engagements in a week than you can handle
Saying yes to friends and family when you want to say no
Weekly shopping (TIP: if you like to shop, dedicate a chunk of time for specific needs instead of shopping sprinkled throughout your week)
Daily errands (TIPS: chunk errands into groups. Shop at fewer stores, less often. Pause to evaluate if the errand you are running is necessary or could wait or is optional. Just because we can get in our car and "grab something from the store" does not mean we really need to).
TV
News Consumption
Overall Screen time
*Names and identifying information and facts have been changed to protect the identity of this person.
