Kids Need Chores: Four Reasons Why

As with so many aspects of childhood, in many households, chores are on the chopping block as kids' lives are crowded with year-round sports, demanding school curriculums, and after-school enrichment activities.  In my private practice work with couples and families, parents often say, "My kid is already so busy; I don't want to add more to their schedule."  Or, "They are so slow and don't do things the right way, so I'd just rather do it myself."  Or, (and this is the most common reason parents don't establish their kid’s participation in household chores), "I would rather do the chores myself than deal with the conflict with my kids that comes from asking them to contribute."   But cutting out chores for our kids is a mistake, and as busy as childhood (and adult life) may now be, here are four important reasons to ensure homework or "downtime" doesn't supplant your kid's daily participation in household chores.   

1) Chores help build Empathy 

In recent years, research has shown that our feelings of empathy towards others are decreasing across cultures and age groups.  In one well-recognized study spanning 30 years, scores measuring college students' empathy have been down 40% since the study began, a staggering decrease.  What researchers are learning is that empathy is not innate to human experience; it is learned. That means that as parents in the 21st century, we have to work harder to craft experiences for our children to build and exercise their empathy muscle. 

When children see their parents doing all the tasks necessary to make a household run, they may begin to think responsibilities of that kind are not for them.  Chores are for parents. Chores are for "others."  Kids lose the opportunity to feel what it's like to clean a house when all you really want to do is take a break.  They miss experiencing what it feels like to clean up someone else's mess.  

It is essential that children experience, weekly, what it feels like to do something in service of someone else.  We want to raise communities with kids who can relate to others who bus tables of half-eaten lunch dishes, deal with stinky trash as garbage collectors, or with the custodian at their school who scrubs the public toilets.  Participating in household chores takes the focus off of the self, which is critical in a world where technology drives an individualistic and self-important theme with every click.  Selfies are about the self, and social media is largely about the self.  Having kids participate in the grunt work of household chores is about the family collective and what it feels like to do things for the greater good instead of in service of self.   

2) Chores contribute to building Work Ethic

Childhood is the training ground for adulthood.  Creating a space where kids have to budget their time to get the necessary tasks done so they have time to enjoy the pleasures of free time gives them a leg up on life.   As tempting as it is to excuse kids from chores because they have busy academic and extracurricular lives, it doesn't teach them the full life lesson on work ethic.  Though childhood does deserve certain protections from the harsh realities of adult life, protecting children right out of learning how to manage multiple obligations doesn't do them any favors.  Middle school kids are asked to manage multiple classes with different teachers, which begins to prep them for high school and the real world where competing demands call for adult attention.  Adult life asks that tasks are completed in various areas of our lives simultaneously, and learning this time management skill early is best.  A kid who has household responsibilities, as well as school and extracurricular commitments, is going to learn early to complete tasks and finish unpleasant jobs, which will translate into increased opportunities and positions of leadership in adult life. 

3) Chores help teach that Team Players aren't just on sports teams

If you are a parent reading this, I am betting that you can relate to this scenario:  standing in your kitchen after a long day at work, hungry and tired, feeling angry heat rise through your body as you stare at art projects, backpacks, and half-eaten PB & J sandwiches on the counter, thinking to yourself, I AM NOT CLEANING THIS UP! 

Kids learn that their individual actions matter to collective group outcomes when they participate in sports or club activities of any kind.  This lesson ought to be learned at home first.  Families are teams.  When everyone pitches in, there is more time for fun, lightheartedness, and connections.  Burned-out parents actually make terrible role models and aren't that fun to be with.  We yell, are impatient and resentful, and often resort to long lectures starting with "I have been at work all day, and then I come home to this (pointing at disaster zone in the kitchen)…" When kids learn that by participating in team chores the whole family benefits, they have learned one of life's golden lessons. 

4) Chores help fend off  "Failure to Launch"

The reasons kids need chores mentioned so far are intrinsic characteristics that parents instill in their children so they can launch successful and engaged citizens in the world.  However, some very basic skills need to be learned in childhood to be functional in the great big world of adult life. The term Failure to Launch is not to be confused with the post-pandemic trend of emerging adults moving back in with their parents in order to save money in a housing market that is making first-time-home buying more challenging than ever before. Here, the term failure to launch refers to young adults having trouble transitioning into adulthood and becoming independent from their parents. Knowing how to cook several basic meals, do laundry, clean a bathroom, pack a healthy lunch, schedule a doctor appointment, or make a reservation, are a few of the most basic skills needed to survive on one's own. Learning how to get up on time, show up on time, dress appropriately, and greet other humans with eye contact and clear speech are also on the essential life skills list, but we will save that for another day.

Over-accommodation of children is resulting in an elongated childhood, which means that when young adults have historically been able to launch, around 18-20 years of age, it is not happening as automatically as it once did. A cycle of enabling and rescuing can become self-perpetuating as kids fail to launch and parents continue to do things that a 19 or 20-year-old is capable of doing. Though the topic of children who don't succeed in leaving home has depths that won't be reached in this writing, at the most basic level, kids who have been responsible for chores and participating in domestic responsibilities have likely learned that they are capable of taking care of themselves. Simply having some practice and the belief that you are capable and self-sufficient goes a long way when it comes to the big step of leaving the nest. 

Suggested Reading on this Topic: 

How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims

In How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims draws on an array of sources such as research, conversations with admissions officers, educators, and employers, and her insights as a mother and as a student dean to highlight how overparenting harms children, their stressed-out parents, and society at large.

Julie Lythcott-Haims is an American educator, author, and politician. She has written three non-fiction books: How to Raise an Adult, on parenting; Real American, a memoir; and Your Turn: How to Be an Adult. She served as dean of freshmen and undergraduate advising at Stanford University. She is a member of the Palo Alto city council.